Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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