Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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