i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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