i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
