one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
