He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
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did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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