i already hear my dad disowning me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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