apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
