Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
