You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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