you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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