my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
