i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
