dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
