I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i think i just lost a toe
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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