I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
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You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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