I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
