I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
