I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
