$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
