yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
