i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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