i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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