and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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