his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
