i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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