I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
