Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
