i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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