She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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