I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
