I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
