Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
