This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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