you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
