I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
