He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
