The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
