I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
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I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
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I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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