my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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