am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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