3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
