My room smells like vodka and shame
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
