Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
