I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
dude. I can hear the air.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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