She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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