Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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