I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
