i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
