After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
