I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
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