Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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