No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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