i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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