Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
