The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
