So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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