and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
