Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
